Damned if you do. Doomed if you don't!

The fine line professional women need to walk between being assertive and effective, and too nice to lead.

Welcome to Own Your Ambition, the weekly newsletter designed to empower and give professional women the tools they need to be successful. As a former CEO who made it to the C Suite from an entry level, I know first hand what it takes for women to realize their ambition and reach their career goals.

Drawing from my own experience as well as having coached professional women since 2007, I am very familiar with the unlevel playing field that favors male leadership, and understand how women find it difficult to navigate preconceived stereotypes that put them at a disadvantage.

In this newsletter, I write about the ‘double bind’, a major challenge for ambitious women, balancing assertive communication with the desire to be liked.

Is it ok to be labeled a bitch or is that a badge of honor?

Is it necessary to be likeable to be a leader?

Read on for my coaching tips, insights, and action steps to position yourself successfully.

Joyce is up for a promotion. She prides herself in setting clear boundaries at work. However, her manager warned her that he has received some feedback that she comes across as too aggressive and bossy.

Joyce shared with me, “He has assured me he does not have that perception, but that’s the ‘feedback’ he has heard. It's funny, as one of my highest values is extending empathy, but I also am not a pushover. I've been there and done that, but I was burned out before. I think it's a trap other professional women fall into; when they sound more assertive, they get that "bossy" or 'big B" label.

Yes, Joyce it is a trap, and it’s often referred to as the ‘double bind’ where women are forced to choose between being perceived as competent (often associated with masculine traits) or likable (often associated with feminine traits).

We think of a great leader as someone who is decisive, assertive, and independent. In our society, these qualities are most often associated with men. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be nice, nurturing and unselfish.

So, what happens when you want to be considered for a leadership position?

If you exhibit the assertive qualities associated with the ideal leader, you may be considered competent and qualified for the position, but you are also viewed as less likeable. You’re perceived as being a ‘bossy bitch’ and no one wants to work with you. Why? Because being assertive for a woman defies the social norms that dictate we should demonstrate more feminine qualities.

On the flip side, women in positions of authority who have a more traditional feminine style may be liked, but they are not always respected. They are often considered to be too emotional and too soft to be a strong decisive leader.

See the problem here? This is the double bind; damned if you do, doomed if you don’t.

Communication experts agree that the most effective way to communicate is honestly and openly — meaning, assertively.

Assertive communication is defined as clear, direct, honest statement of feelings; use of “I” messages; speaking up appropriately for oneself while considering the needs, wants, and rights of others.

A study from Stanford’s Graduate School of Business shows that in the business world, women who are assertive and confident, but also able to turn these traits on and off depending on the social circumstances, get more promotions than either men or other women. Therefore, it’s essential that women learn how to be assertive in a way that’s acceptable (for a woman that is). I know! Don’t get me started!

The reality is that women are judged differently than men when it comes to the qualifications for leadership, and assertive communication for women is tricky at best.

One of my coaching clients, Lisa, worked on the all-male trading floor with NASDAQ equity traders. She experienced this double bind when she asserted herself and gave her honest opinion.

“They were a very tough crowd. There were many traders and personalities on that floor that had incredibly high opinions of themselves. What I realized is that they liked me only when I was more deferential. And the few times that I dared to challenge them with a different opinion or different point of view on the way things were going, I literally got shut out of one head of the desk. He just completely shut me out. And I was never relied on with that particular trader again like I had prior to that. When there were things that he needed done for his desk, he’d go to somebody else and not me. So, it was clear. He just basically cut me off, out of his business line.”

Lisa was demonstrating her leadership and expertise. Yet that was not well received in the male dominated space.

My VIP coaching program includes getting direct feedback about my clients from their boss, colleagues, and direct reports. This feedback is invaluable to better understand the way they are perceived in the workplace.

During this process, I sent an initial feedback form to the manager of my client, Mary, an attorney in California. He responded that Mary was too aggressive. However, when I had subsequently had a direct phone conversation with him, I asked him specifically what he considered aggressive and to give me an example. The example he gave was indicative of the gender bias many women face when it comes to assertive communication. He described a situation in which she delivered clear and direct communication, which was in reality assertive rather than aggressive. He found her assertive communication style, which positioned her well for leadership, as intimidating.

This situation exposes how gender bias can derail a woman’s career and needs to be challenged. BTW, despite his opinion, Mary went on to become General Counsel of two major healthcare systems.

It’s critical to feel comfortable enough to express your opinions honestly and openly, and demonstrate your competence and confidence without intimidation or forcefulness. It’s often a delicate balance, but it is definitely doable.

The good news is that women who communicate in this manner are viewed more favorably in the workplace!

How do you achieve this?

Overcoming this double bind has everything to do with being politically savvy and paying attention.

Just as the Stanford study suggests, you do this by observing and learning as much as you can about the people and modifying your behavior and style in a way that will resonate with them. Generic messages are not nearly as effective as those that are customized for your audience based on what you know about them; what they want and need. The trick is not to compromise your messaging.

Here are some tips on how to fine tune your assertiveness and demonstrate competence and personal power without overwhelming your audience.

1. Avoid minimizing language.

In a Harvard Business Review article, "Replace Meaningless Words with Meaningful Ones," author Jerry Weissman advises us to replace weak, meaningless words with stronger ones. He talks about how a simple word replacement can change the impact of our overall communication so it becomes more assertive. Weissman suggests we replace the weak words “I think,” “I believe,” and “I feel,” for stronger options like “I’m confident,” “I’m convinced,” “I expect.” These simple replacements can make a difference in how our message is perceived. Don’t sabotage your effectiveness with weak language. A stronger choice of words supports your assertiveness without giving the impression you’re bossy.

2. Don’t over-apologize.

Apologizing unnecessarily robs women of their power and puts them in a subservient position. Sometimes strong women feel the need to find ways to temper their personalities or otherwise risk being called “bossy” or “abrasive,” so they use “I’m sorry” to soften others’ perception. But over-apologizing too often can sabotage your executive presence and career. It’s best to eliminate the phrase unless there is a real reason for the apology. If you need to apologize, simply state your apology and move on.

3. Don’t be overly emotional.

Emotional communication is not well received in the workplace especially for a woman, and it’s almost impossible to be emotional and assertive. People only remember your emotions, not the message. They see you as weak and too hysterical to be considered for a leadership position.

We all have feelings and sometimes our emotions get triggered by another person or situation in the workplace.

But don’t confuse emotion with passion. You can state your opinions clearly and passionately without losing the impact. In fact, your passion will reinforce your message and your influence.

Focus on unhooking emotionally from situations with difficult bosses and colleagues. Instead focus on your reaction. You can’’t control their behavior. You can only control your reaction.

4. Get to the point.

I have coached many women on the importance of clearly stating their objectives and conclusions without telling a long, drawn-out story about their effort in reaching those results. This is assertive communication!

Until you get this right, do your homework, prepare, write down the bullet points, and speak to each one. It will help organize your thoughts and stay on point. Over time, as you practice this technique, you will train yourself to speak assertively.

5. Make eye contact.

Making eye contact along with direct and clear communication is a strong signal that you are confident and competent. Don’t stare people down, but don’t look away either. When you avoid their gaze, you decrease the impact of your message and you appear to be insecure and unsure of what you’re saying. Eye contact reinforces your assertiveness and effectiveness without seeming bossy.

6. Use ‘I’ statements.

Start your sentences with “I” and avoid blaming others. When you begin a sentence with “you,” you run the risk of being perceived as aggressive. It can put people on the defensive. The result may be they tune out and never hear your message.

Practice beginning your sentences with “I” — “I have reached this conclusion,” “I am confident that x, y, and z,” “I know.” After you say that, avoid the tendency to backpedal or soften your statement. Practice this because it is challenging to so clearly state your opinions and feelings. In the end, however, this ability is crucial to assertive communication!

7. Take credit for your work.

Many of us in the workplace have experienced this. You bring up a point in a meeting and it goes unnoticed. Later, someone else (usually a man) will repeat your thought and people will applaud his great idea. When we stay silent and let others take credit for our ideas, we give our power away. If we object and point the finger accusing them of stealing our idea, that’s aggressive. That’s not a good approach.

Instead, I coach my clients to take back the credit in an assertive and effective way. “Thank you for bringing up this idea that I proposed earlier. I appreciate your support.” Make a statement that will remind the attendees of your ownership of the idea. This is persuasive and direct without being too forceful.

If someone compliments you, acknowledge it. Don’t downplay it and say it was the team that did it. Well, what was your part in the team effort? What was your contribution? Acknowledge. Don’’t downplay the compliment. Take credit.

8. Self-promote but don’t brag.

Nothing turns people off more than a braggart! And though it’s essential that you advocate for yourself in an assertive manner, coming across as a “know it all,” especially for a woman, can ruin your reputation.

Think of self-promotion as a leadership skill. It is your responsibility to talk about what you and your team have achieved, not only for your own benefit, but also for the team and the company. It’s how you create influence. It’s how you sell your ideas across the organization. It’s the basis of building relationships with key stakeholders and gaining access to the power networks. And it’s also not bossy, pushy, or egocentric.

A 2011 Catalyst study supports the importance of communicating your value. After following 3,000 high potential MBA graduates, Catalyst found that doing all the “right things” like being proactive, requesting high-profile assignments, and asking for promotions and raises, did not significantly help women advance their careers. What Catalyst found did have a positive impact on women’s careers, however, was the communication of their achievements. In this way, women were able to advance their careers and increase their compensation.

Letting others know of your accomplishments and your value proposition is a win-win. Your team benefits from your promotional efforts. They receive recognition for their efforts and success, while you benefit as the team leader who spearheaded the project or initiative, and the company wins as well.

9. Be aware of your audience.

Who is your audience? Is there a sensitivity or bias against assertive women? Look at women in your company who have been promoted. How do they communicate? What is their communication style? Use them as a role model for success.

It is important to understand that communication is a two-way process, so understanding your audience helps you position yourself appropriately and walk the fine line between assertiveness and likability.

My advice is to start practicing assertive communication in a non-threatening situation such as with a customer service representative, waiter or bank teller. When you are faced with a situation in which you feel compromised or disappointed, use “I” statements to clearly express your opinion and build your comfort level with assertive communication over time.

It takes conscious effort to be assertive. Using these techniques for standing up for yourself can work in your favor in your both your personal and professional life. It's a delicate balance, but taking control of your presentation, understanding how you come across to your audience, and making your presence known will have enormous benefits and gear you up for success.

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