True confession: I'm a badass and finally owning it!

Welcome to Own Your Ambition, the weekly newsletter designed to give professional women the tools they need to be successful. As a former CEO who made it to the C Suite from an entry level, I know first hand what it takes for women to realize their ambition and reach their career goals. I have also come to terms with the fact that much of my success comes from having a badass attitude; not shying away from opportunities, challenging the status quo, and owning my value and ambition.

But it wasn’t always that way! This holiday week, I’m taking off my professional hat to release a personal essay about my journey from the good girl and people pleaser to a badass woman who stands in her power.

After all, being a badass means stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something different. So here goes…..

I started taking ballet lessons when I was four years old. By the time I was six, I was convinced that I was going to be a ballerina when I grew up. Yeah, I know. Many young girls have this dream. It’s nothing unusual. But I didn’t just see myself as the Sugar Plum fairy, I lived it and at the time, everyone encouraged me. At least, for a while. Because, after all, I was six.

I brought my ballet shoes with me everywhere and offered to dance for friends, relatives, strangers at every opportunity. At my cousin’s wedding, I approached the band leader and requested that he ask everyone on the dance floor to sit down so I could perform. The band played some sweet music, I donned my little pink shoes, and did my thing. One hundred and twenty-five guests politely sat down and watched me dance.

“How cute.” “Such a talent.” Their praise didn’t go unnoticed. But really what they meant was, “how precocious”. And I only say that because it’s not politically correct to call out a six-year-old as badass. But truth be told, I was.

I look back now at my six-year-old self and feel great affection for her. That little girl was confident, poised, and wholeheartedly believed she could be whatever she wanted to be. She was ready to conquer the world. But it didn’t last. As the years passed, I buried my badass self for decades to please others.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve definitely had some badass moments, but I recognize that I shortchanged myself on many occasions so people would like me. My fear of failure and rejection also caused me to withdraw. I questioned my talent and purpose. I kept myself small and suffered the consequences personally and professionally.

As far as being a ballerina is concerned, that dream ended over time as my family and teachers warned me that I would never make it as a ballerina. I didn’t look like one. My breasts were too big, my legs too short and at that point in time, pre-Twyla, you had to look like a classic Russian ballerina or sayonara. There was no exception.

As I entered middle school and high school, I was very self-conscious.  The onset of puberty resulted in extra pounds and if there’s one way to kill your badass mindset as a tween or teenager, it’s being chubby. Add braces to that and my confidence was shaken just at the time I became interested in boys. It was painful. But what is very clear to me now is that this was a turning point. I lost my badass self for many years from that point forward.

With my ballerina dream crushed, I floundered. I was lost in the need to please. I got A’s in high school, even a couple of A+’s, and was the consummate good girl, doing extra credit projects and seeking approval for my work. I thought about being a doctor (now that would have been a badass move) and started college pre-med. Then I considered becoming a sociology professor. But I ended up getting a master’s in early childhood education, marrying, having two children, and teaching kindergarten in the suburbs. I stayed in my good girl comfort zone.

I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly but one reason I got married right out of college was because it was ‘the right thing to do’. My mother convinced me I had to have children before 30 and my parents were horrified that I was living with my boyfriend, future husband, in grad school. Does a good girl do that? No.

I retreated to my comfort zone without any knowledge of who I really was. I married a good guy, but he was a powerful personality and often overwhelmed me. I was too young. I never lived on my own. Now I was a wife, mother, kindergarten teacher. Yet something started rebelling inside me that I couldn’t ignore. A part of me was screaming to break out of the mold, discover who I was, and explore my potential. I felt stifled and small. Of course, looking back, I realize that I let all that happen to me because I didn’t know myself, because I lost my badass self.

I did a gutsy and most would say foolish (and they did by the way) thing and filed for a divorce. On my own at 34 with two young children and a job that didn’t pay the bills, I left the security of a marriage to start a new life. It was really hard. I agonized over breaking up my little family but the strong need to find myself prevailed. I moved out of our big beautiful house with the kids, bought another modest house around the corner and looked for a job.

I interviewed for a medical secretary position. That didn’t go so well. Despite practically begging for the job, I was rejected. But I obviously impressed them because they called me back two weeks later and asked if I wanted to interview for another job. They were opening a cardiac rehab center with a healthcare management company and 30 doctors and needed someone to run it. Was I qualified to do so? No way! Did I let that hold me back from going to the interview, nailing the interview, and getting hired? No way!  My badass energy took over. After a year and a half running that local center, I was promoted and managed 11 centers up and down the east coast. And that was the start of my business career. Pretty badass, right? I was emerging from my good girl cocoon out of the need to survive.

I eventually rose to the C-suite and ran a national company. I helped a healthcare tech start up raise $18 million in venture capital and managed a large sales team for several companies. I’ve held executive positions in sales and management. When doors opened, I jumped through them. I know all this sounds wonderful, but don’t get me wrong, there was plenty of drama and there were many missteps along the way, especially as a single mom. I lost out on promotions. I was let go a couple of times. But here’s the thing: I never let the bad times derail me. Sure, at times I was devastated by failed relationships, failed jobs, poor business decisions, and life in general. Yet my optimistic badass self eventually prevailed every time. I started my own business as an executive coach in 2007, wrote two books, signed on as a contributing writer for Forbes in 2011, and started my weekly podcast, Badass Women at Any Age in 2019. Now, here I am on Substack!

Being a badass doesn’t mean I have confidence and bravado 24/7. OMG no. I’m human. We all suffer losses along with the wins. But being a badass to me means owning all of it and emerging stronger because I acknowledge all of my experiences, good, bad, and ugly.

I finally own who I am, warts and all. It’s taken decades to let go of the driving force to please others and find the freedom to be my authentic self. I finally own with pride that I’m a badass. And by the way, I’m dancing again!

I look forward to your comments!

What’s been your badass journey? Can you relate?

Anyone interested in setting up a badass woman chat? LMK