Hi, I’m Bonnie Marcus. Welcome to Own Your Ambition, a weekly newsletter where I offer my best advice on how to successfully navigate the workplace as a midlife woman today. A former CEO who made it to the C Suite from an entry level, executive coach and published author, I share my experiences and lessons learned from my tenure in corporate, focusing on providing practical tools and strategies for advancement.
This week I write about the personal and professional cost of putting yourself last.
Midlife women often reach a point where they begin questioning the role they’ve played for years. We’ve been the reliable one, the supportive one, the woman who makes everything work for everyone else. We were conditioned to believe that being selfless was admirable, that putting other people’s needs ahead of our own was simply what “good women” do. And for a long time, many of us built careers, families, and lives around that belief. But eventually, something shifts. We begin to recognize the quiet cost of constantly putting ourselves last.
It can show up as exhaustion, resentment, diminished confidence, or the unsettling feeling that despite everything we’ve accomplished, we’ve somehow become disconnected from ourselves.
Can you relate?
Many midlife women are highly capable, experienced, and accomplished, yet we still struggle to advocate for ourselves, speak openly about our ambitions, or prioritize what we truly want. Not because we lack talent or drive, but because we’ve spent decades trying to please everyone else first.
For me, that shift felt very selfish at first. I was so conditioned to please everyone that I forgot how to please myself. How to own my identity and talent through my own eyes, not through other’s. I was lost like a hamster on a wheel running round and round without purpose.
That is, until is became aware of the trap I had fallen into.
And that’s the shift midlife invites us to make.
Not from caring about others to caring only about ourselves, but from constantly seeking approval, validation, and acceptance from everyone around us… to finally asking ourselves what we want. What pleases us. What fulfills us. What kind of life, work, relationships, and opportunities feel aligned with who we are now.
I see this often in my work with women, and I’ve experienced it myself. We are doing exceptional work behind the scenes, supporting teams, solving problems, mentoring others, and carrying enormous responsibility—yet remain under recognized and undervalued. We assume their hard work will speak for itself, only to realize that visibility and influence require something more. They require presence. Voice. Self-advocacy.
For so many of us, pleasing others became a survival strategy in a patriarchal environment. Be agreeable. Be accommodating. Don’t disappoint anyone. Don’t ask for too much. But over time, constantly managing everyone else’s comfort can come at the expense of your own happiness, ambition, and self-worth.
Midlife has a way of bringing clarity to these patterns. It becomes harder to ignore the imbalance between what we give and what we receive. We start asking bigger questions: What do I want now? Why have I spent so much time waiting for permission? What would happen if I stopped organizing my life around everyone else’s expectations?
Focusing on yourself at this stage of life is not selfish! It’s necessary. It’s about recognizing that your well-being, your ambitions, your voice, and your future matter too. It’s about learning to stop minimizing your contributions, stop apologizing for wanting more, and stop believing that taking up space somehow diminishes others.
The shift often begins quietly. Speaking up sooner in meetings. Setting a boundary without guilt. Sharing accomplishments without downplaying them. Asking for opportunities instead of hoping to be noticed. Making decisions based not only on what makes everyone else comfortable, but on what genuinely feels right for you.
And perhaps that’s one of the greatest gifts of midlife: the realization that you no longer want to abandon yourself in the process of taking care of everyone else.
You’ve spent years showing up for others. Maybe now it’s time to show up for yourself with the same commitment, energy, and intention.
Because you are not done yet.
Yes Bonnie!
A woman can communicate clearly, lead successfully, and advocate powerfully for others, yet become silent if expressing what she needs might disappoint someone or change how she is perceived.
This is such an important distinction to make! Competence does not automatically produce self-advocacy.