9 ways you give away your power without even knowing it

Unconsciously you give our power away every day. Building awareness of how you do this, gives you back control.

Welcome to Own Your Ambition, the weekly newsletter designed to give professional women the tools they need to be successful. As a former CEO who made it to the C Suite from an entry level, I know first hand what it takes for women to realize their ambition and reach their career goals.

It’s common to look at the external barriers you face in the workplace and attribute your lack of advancement to those obstacles. And don’t get me wrong. The systemic bias you face at every stage of your career is real and can be frustrating and demoralizing!!!! And what’s most frustrating is the lack of control to affect any change.

But it’s important to note that you do have control over some significant things that can make or break your career; your behavior, actions, and mindset. And addressing some of the ways you hold yourself back is critical for your success.

One thing you can control is how you give your power away. I’m not talking about people taking your power away. I recognize that can happen. But I’m talking about how you unconsciously do it and how making some little changes can alter your career trajectory.

How do you give your power away? Does any of this resonate with you?

Rising to the top is not easy for even the most talented women. It takes savvy, grit, and persistence. It requires the belief in one’s future and the potential to reach goals. But beyond the obvious challenges that women encounter every day, more subtle yet influential factors that inhibit us from being successful are those internal barriers that deplete our effectiveness and rob us of the power we have but may not even recognize.

Every day many competent well-educated women struggle with their power. Their discomfort with the idea of being a strong woman as well as how to effectively demonstrate and sustain power without backlash results in a loss of power over time. That loss is our own leaky pipeline. It’s a slow leak that depletes us of influence and has a negative impact on our reputation and success.

It’s critical that ambitious women understand their leaky power pipeline. The subtle ways women give away their power affects their ability to reach leadership positions.

Use of minimizing language

Our choice of words has a dramatic effect on our ability to influence others and demonstrate confidence. When we use minimizing language, we lose our effectiveness and power.

If we take one small step and eliminate the word “just” from our communication, we would see a huge difference in the way we are perceived in the workplace. ‘I’m just checking in to see’. ‘I just want you to know’. ‘I just called because..’ . My personal awareness of the impact of this one word has now forced me to carefully choose my words in order to reflect more confidence.

In a Harvard Business Review article, author Jerry Weissman, advises us to replace meaningless words with stronger ones. A simple word replacement can change the impact of our overall communication.

Weissman suggests we replace the weak words “I think”, “I believe”, and “I feel”, for stronger options such as “I’m confident”, “I’m convinced”, “I expect”. These simple replacements can make a difference in how our message is perceived.

Unnecessary apologies

Pantene released an ad campaign back in 2014 that brought national attention to women’s tendency to apologize, even when not necessary. This campaign sparked much discussion about how women can learn to change this default behavior. Saying you’re sorry unnecessarily puts you in a subservient position. Women’s tendency to apologize and, in fact over apologize, is another subtle way we give our power away. Understanding when you apologize and your triggers to do so helps you stop your automatic response to say “I’m sorry” and eliminate the phrase when appropriate.

Letting others take credit for ideas

Many of us in the workplace have experienced this. You bring up a point in a meeting and it goes unnoticed. Later someone else, usually a man, will repeat your thought and people will applaud his great idea. When we stay silent and let others take credit for our ideas, we give our power away.

I coach my clients to take back the credit. “Thank you for bringing up this idea that I proposed earlier.” Make a statement that will remind the attendees of your ownership of the idea.

The hesitancy to self-promote

Our hesitancy to advocate for ourselves is a lost opportunity to demonstrate to others the value we contribute to the business and the power of our talent and achievements. Because of discomfort with self-promotion, our default behavior is to rely on our hard work and performance for recognition and reward. This results in a lack of visibility and subsequent lack of power. Recognizing that self-promotion is a vital leadership skill helps change our mindset. Understanding one’s value proposition gives us a better idea of how we contribute to positive business outcomes.

Not understanding or using your influence

Power comes from knowing the relationship between how we do our work and positive business outcomes, our value proposition. When we truly get how we affect specific outcomes, we appreciate the influence we have, not only on the business and achievement of designated goals, but in helping others be successful.

There is power in using influence to build mutually beneficial relationships in our organization and in our industry. Offering to help others achieve their goals creates credibility that results in influence. Volunteering for special projects at work highlights our competence and influence.

Not leveraging relationships

Most women have no problem doing favors for others. In helping others we gain visibility and influence. However, we often hesitate to ask for anything in return. Leveraging relationships is a leadership skill and our difficulty with quid pro quo is lost opportunity and subsequent loss of power and potential influence. We lose the social capital we have worked so hard to earn. There is power in asking for what we want and need.

Being reactive not proactive

I am a great believer in the power of being strategic. The most powerful path to realizing our ambitions is a strategic one. When we keep the end goal in mind and develop a plan to reach that goal, it fuels our ambition and success. A reactive mode does not have the strength of conviction and promise that a proactive approach has. We give our power away when we leave things to chance or luck. Easily distracted, we also feel a lack of control over our career destiny.

A lack of allies and champions

One way to support and sustain your power is to build a strong network of people who are willing and able to speak for you. This type of network requires you to identify the people who have influence and power and build mutually beneficial relationships with them. They need to understand your value and believe in your competence. The best way to build influence and power in an organization is to have the strength of allies and champions behind you. When we fail to build this type of network and don’t approach our network strategically, we lose the collaboration and potential power of others willing to step up and be our advocates, help us sell our initiatives, and build consensus.

A desire to be liked

The likeability factor is important in the workplace. It helps you build influence and motivate others. But what’s most important in establishing leadership and power is effectiveness. When women choose likeability over effectiveness, they give their power away.

The message in Lois Frankel’s updated bestseller, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, still rings true today. If our primary focus is to be liked, we will not likely be viewed as a leader. We risk being a seen as doormat who waffles in our opinions because we are primarily seeking approval of others. Where’s the power in that? And yet, being nice is expected of women even in the workplace. Power comes from choosing a different path to leadership; being nice, effective, and powerful!

Do you unconsciously give your power away?

What resonates with you the most?